How to Take a Shower

How to Take a Shower

Step 1. Turn on the water and let the sound of it running calm you into oblivion of what’s going on outside the bathroom.

Step 2. Wait for the water to warm up.

Step 3. Make sure you have your clothes and towel for after the hug of cleanliness.

Step 4. Stick your hand under the water to see if it’s warm enough:

a.       If not, repeat back to step 2

b.      If the temperature is to your liking, step in

Step 5. Let the water welcome you and welcome the water yourself.

Step 6. Condition your hair

Step 7. Enjoy the smell of your conditioner, “A Thousand Wishes” is the name on the bottle. Whose wishes? Did the makers of the conditioner collect every shooting star wished upon and squeeze out their essence? Or are these the wishes of those who did not have them come true. That would explain the extremely fake sweetness of the scent, fake and artificial.

Step 8. If you don’t like the smell of it or don’t conditioner, just stand there.

Step 9. (Briefly) contemplate your life problems.

Step 10. Wash yourself, why else are you taking a shower?

Step 11. Have an imaginary debate with someone about an argument you had a while ago. Come up with the best comebacks and responses to anything they say. Are you mentally preparing an argument you definitely won’t have with someone you dislike? Now is the time to draft and recite it. They decide to tell you that you’re dumb and irrelevant? Tell them the only irrelevant thing there is that comment they just made. Deliver those burns so well they’ll need to take a cold shower afterwards.

Step 12. Wash that conditioner out with shampoo. If you don’t, the next day your hair will be greasier than the bottom of a fast food bag.

Step 13. Stop midway through and thoroughly have an existential crisis.

Step 14. Wonder why are you, you? Why aren’t you someone else? What would your life be like if you were someone else? Would you still be you? Have the same personality? Have the same quirks? You would probably not be conditioning then shampooing your hair at that moment. Maybe you wouldn’t care about your appearance as you are currently doing. Maybe you would be someone who was too focused on their studies and getting into a good college that anything else might be a distraction. You realize you might need to have a bit more of that person in you.

Step 15. Make a list of things you need to improve.

1.      Smiling more, you look unhappy and displeased most of the time

2.      Being nicer to kids even though they’re really annoying

3.      Getting better grades even though yours are ok but not in comparison with the rest of the class

4.      Don’t get distracted as much

Step 16. Wonder what else you need to change about yourself. Do you need to find people similar to you, find those who are just as driven as you and surround yourself with competition to improve yourself? Or should you surround yourself with social duds to make it seem like you are succeeding more than you actually are?

Step 17. Remember that this is an extremely hypothetical self, and what you have right now, you love, and wouldn’t want to change for the world.

Step 18. But keep wondering about this alternative you. Would you style your hair differently? Wear different clothing? Smile differently, or just hide it in the first place? Maybe you would challenge authority at every corner and not care what people think of you. You think that you would like that, the lack of judgement you receive, or the judgement you choose to ignore. Would you grow as a person? Or would you just be a stinted angsty teen who has done no personal growing and still thinks like a middle schooler? Would you see the world in black and white? Or would there be varying shades of gray in between with sublime hints of yellows and blues?

Step 18. Impulsively turn off the shower in an attempt to end these thoughts.

Step 19. Succeed in doing so and shake off the excess water from your feet.

Step 20. Wring out your hair and watch the little droplets circle the drain along with your alternate reality.

Step 21. Wrap yourself in a towel and enjoy the reassuring comfort of what exists.

Step 22. Put some clothes on and click off the bathroom light.

Step 23. Bid the shower and the foggy person you saw in the mirror goodbye until next time.